Dear Connor

    Sunday, my tiny 6 lb 13 oz 19 3/4 inch baby boy will be 10 Months old. His first birthday pictures have been scheduled for over a month, and his birthday party planning is in the works. We are going to have a big one in Virginia with our friends and family. Most of Adam's family will hopefully be able to attend also, since Virginia is way closer than Texas from New York. One of his sister's lives in D.C., so hopefully her and her husband can come. (It's April 21st, Kell, I'll fill ya in when I know more :)). I cannot believe I am already preparing for my son to be ONE. I feel like it was just yesterday that I was in the hospital starting my perfect little family of three. I never imagined what being a mother would feel like. I thought I knew how it would be, but it is way different. Way better. Connor has become the single most important thing in my life, and he makes me want to be a better person and mother. Adam couldn't have given me anything more perfect. I see Adam every time I look at Connor, and it is truly amazing.

 Connor,
     My mornings start at 7 a.m... I walk into your room after I wake up to you blabbering on about something very important, and you are bouncing up and down laughing at me. Most mornings you say, "Ey, Ey, Ey! Momamama." I couldn't think of a better way to ever start my day. I slice you up a banana while you giggle in your highchair. You are always excited about breakfast and drinking water from your sippy cup. You are my little water baby. You love water, and that makes me happy. You also love cheerios, arrow root cookies, cheese puffs, veggie straws, cinnamon apples, and spaghetti! Spaghetti is my favorite dinner to feed you. It is also, by far, the messiest. After breakfast, you crawl around the house, and you recently started opening every cabinet you come across.. and you pull everything out! Dear child, please quit putting things in your mouth. Mommy has had several mini heart attacks. You thrive on a schedule, and you are such a happy, loving baby. You are constantly giving mommy kisses and hugs. One of your new things is that you like to chime in with a fake laugh when other people around you laugh about something. It doesn't matter where we are.. home, grocery store, whathaveyou. That usually gets peoples' attention, and you just eat up all the attention you get. Such a little ham. You love going on walks. We usually go after your afternoon nap; while you eat your snack and hang out the stroller, just talking away to whoever will listen to you. Lilly, our pitbull, is your best friend. You give her kisses and bite her tail. Thankfully, she loves you despite the tail biting ;) Maybe it's because she feels bad for chewing up your toy balls. Bath time is one of yours and my favorite time of the day. While I fill up the bath with water, you stand over the tub dancing and bouncing with excitement. Splashing is also one of your favorite things to do... I can't help but laugh at you. I think you are going to be a little swimmer. After bath time, I put you in your pajamas and you wait for dada to get home. Your favorite spot in the house is the window by the front door. You stand and wait for dada to come home and it melts my heart. So far you can say "mama," "dada," "hey," "yucky," and "lilly." Bedtime isn't hard for us. If you are fussy, all I have to do is start singing to you and it quiets you. You are truly my little angel baby, and daddy and I are so blessed that God chose us to be your parents. I hope you know how much we love you, and that I am the best Mama I can possibly be to you. Keep growing into the beautiful, smart, perfect little boy that you are becoming.
Love,
 Mommy

1. 

Mama Guilt

      Connor's top 2 teeth are popping through, and he has been pretty happy despite the discomfort. He will wake up and cry for 10 minutes at night, but go right back to sleep, and I'm thankful for that. (But, he started waking up for a bottle once a night again! grr) Today, though, he has just been impossible. Clinging to me.. and I mean that he has literally been crawling up to my leg, pulling up and clinging to me & whining "mom mamama." I feel horrible for him, and I'm not sure how to fix him except to give him orajel and ibuprofen and pray it takes the pain away long enough to give him and me a break. And with that, let's talk about mama guilt. Ohh, I hate mama guilt, and it comes around too often. I was discussing this with a friend, and as ashamed as I was to ask, I asked her if she ever got "mad" at her baby. I feel awful when I get mad at Connor,...like the worst mom, ever. How can I be mad at him?! He has no idea why he hurts, and all he knows how to do is cry and whine "mom mamama." But, if you're a mother, apparently it is normal to get "mad." My friend said.. "yes!! the other day I just told him that I didn't know what to do for him!" I've had to do the whole 'put your baby in their crib for 5 minutes and walk away' number, but it feels worse when I do that for some reason. Isn't it the right thing to do? Put him down and take some deep breaths so that I can be the best mother I possibly can to him without being angry, after all, it isn't his fault!? Yes, it is the right thing to do, and my mother has told me to do this since the beginning, but it still breaks my heart. It feels like I am failing as a mother when I do it. Why why why? It's that mama guilt. The thing that amazes me is, as soon as I take a couple of deep breaths, walk back in Connor's room and calm him down, he still smiles at me and gives me a hug and a kiss. He is okay. He is Okay, and he still loves his mom mamama regardless if I walk away for a few moments. I've learned that mama guilt is going to be a re-occurring, unwelcome visitor, but if I didn't feel guilty, then I wouldn't be doing my job as a mother. I've learned that it is okay to take a few minutes to catch my breath and have a time out.. because when I walk back into my baby boy's room, he is still going to be there, willing to forget the weak moment I had, and love me anyway.

By the Grace of God and Two Pots of Coffee

            Tonight, I was rocking my sweet baby boy to sleep and singing him a lullaby; meanwhile, he was smacking me in the face, sticking every one of his fingers up my nose, and trying to shove his pacifier in my mouth. (He was probably trying to shut me up because my "whisper voice" is not so great. Alright, little buddy, I get it). I came to a realization in that moment that parenthood is so, very different than I had envisioned, but I love it so much more than I ever imagined I would. When I pictured myself rocking Connor to sleep before I had him, I saw myself rocking him and singing a lullaby while he gently closed his eyes and fell into sweet baby dreams. HAHAHA. I wasn't prepared for a little boy with such a huge personality. Every day of my life is an adventure, but my favorite part is walking into Connor's room in the morning and watching him bounce up and down in his crib, smiling, and saying "mommmamama!" There really is no better feeling in the world, but the reality is that  there are going to be days when showers are a luxury, sweet potatoes become an accessory, and the only way you make it through  the day is by the grace of God and two pots of coffee... cheers!

Every Saint Has a Past & Every Sinner Has a Future

       Now, I don't claim to be a saint or the best christian. I'm a sinner, and I'm not afraid to admit that because while I am a sinner, I have been saved and know a love like no other from our God. I strive to live my life in the image of the Lord, but I'm not going to pretend like I don't slip up.. often. The church is/should be a hospital for sinners and not a museum for saints, and with that said... Every saint has a past & Every sinner has a future ♥ RIP Whitney, RIP to all of our military members who have given the ultimate sacrifice, and RIP to anyone taken too soon.. a death is a death, and everyone deserves to be mourned. Remember the people that they left behind on Earth... family, friends. It hurts for their family, regardless of whether they were once an addict or not. They are ALL God's children.
      Whitney Houston died, and while many speculate what caused her death, I have seen so many people point their fingers. Not only are they bashing her for using drugs, but they are saying that her death is insignificant. "Why are people mourning her death when she lived many years of her life in sin?" People, we sin every single day. I'm not going to sit here and say that I was hugely impacted by Whitney Houston's death, but she was a mother, a daughter, a wife, and friend, so I lifted them all up in prayer. I also include the military in my prayers every day. I pray for our men and women fighting overseas, and I pray for their families and friends. I have lost many people I loved way too soon, and I pray for them and their families. Also, I pray about my imperfections. I know I am not perfect, and I don't ever claim to be, and neither is anyone else on this Earth... I hope, for the people passing judgment, that they take a long hard look at themselves. You are allowed to have opinions but don't forget about respect.

Get a Room!

       Last night, Adam and I went on a real date! Highlight, italics, underlined... real! We haven't done that in a very long time. We've been on lunch dates, what my friend calls "playdates," lol, but that is what the extent of our life without Connor has been. One of the guys at Adam's office and his wife have been offering to watch Connor for us, and they are great people. But, I always feel like I'm burdening people when I ask them to watch my child. Well, they basically voluntold us that they were coming over to watch Connor, and Adam and I were going out. It was glorious. They drove to our house and demanded we not come home before 11. I was running around the house preparing bottles, and trying to explain to them what they already knew about Connor. They both love Connor to pieces, and I knew he was in very good hands. I was nervous that he would get separation anxiety, cry, and not go to bed... well he didn't do any of that. He was fine, playing with Chris when we left, and about an hour after we were gone, they got him to sleep with ease. I got dressed up, which is a huge change to what Adam has gotten used to seeing... sweatpants and big teeshirts are what he comes home to since he gets home so late at night. I'm sure he is so turned on, lol. Adam and I went to see "The Vow" which was pretty good. I think the ending could have been better, but it was good. Except we were in a theater full of teeny boppers who giggled too much. It will really make you feel old... (Adam told me that he knows he's getting old because the other day a mustang squealed their tires, and it pissed him off so he honked the horn. hahahaha... nerd) Then, when we were walking to the car, Adam grabbed my butt and gave me a kiss and these teenagers yelled out their windows "GET A ROOM!" We were excited about that. haha Sure, we will go home to our house where our baby is.. LoL. As a teenager, that would have embarrassed me, but now it is great to know that you and your husband can make teenagers queasy ;) We went to eat at Salt Grass, where I got a coronarita.. those suckers will knock you on your butt! It was a success, and we both had a lot of fun! Something we need to do more often, that is for sure!

One of those days

       Today has been one of those days where 3 o'clock rolled around and I was ready for Connor's bedtime. 5:15, and I was literally hanging by a thread. Lucky for me, Connor was out by 10 minutes til' 6 p.m. He usually goes to bed around 6:15ish, but it all depends on the day. He was clingy from the minute he woke up until he fell asleep at bedtime. I am pretty positive that his top 2 teeth are both coming in. Hooray? Well, today I apparentlly had a tumor but still managed to mow the lawn... but that is about it. After he woke up cranky from nap #2 that lasted all of 30 minutes, we went for an hour walk and he really loved it... then I realized our grass(weeds) look like 'ish. So, I mowed it with our ancient, "economical" lawn mower. I like to say we are being "green," but really my husband was being a major cheap ass and decided to buy this piece of crap. It's really embarrassing, so I decided I should do it during the middle of the day so as few people could see me as possible. Even my 9 month old was laughing at me from his stroller. For dinner, Connor has been feeding himself, and tonight he decided it would be fabulous to shove his face into his noodles and sweet potatoes. Oh well, that's what Lilly is for! She loves Connor's mess. I stripped him down with the last few ounces of energy I had left, stuck him in the tub, and washed him down and let him play... a few minutes later he is standing up and holding on to the side of the tub andddd... plop. Big awesome turd. I was just thinking "wow, Connor has never pooped in the tub!" Well, God is haaallaaaarious. After that, I was ready for bed myself... I asked my husband to grab some ibuprofen for Connor on his way home from work, and if he decided to pick me up a bottle of wine and Breaking Dawn pt.1, I wouldn't be upset.

When God Created the Military Wife..

When God Created the Military Wife

When the Lord was creating a military wife, He ran into His sixth day of overtime. An angel appeared and said, “You’re having a lot of trouble with this one. What’s wrong with the standard model?”

The Lord replied, “Have you seen the specs on this order? It has to be completely independent but must always be sponsored to get on a military installation. It must have the qualities of both mother and father during deployments, be a perfect host to 4 or 40, handle emergencies without an instruction manual, cope with flu and moves all around the world, have a kiss that cures anything from a child’s bruised knee to a husband’s weary days, have the patience of a saint when waiting for its mate to come home and have six pairs of hands.”

The angel shook her head slowly and said, “Six pairs of hands? No way.”

The Lord answered, “Don’t worry; we will make other military wives to help. Besides, it’s not the hands that are causing the problem, it’s the heart. It must swell with pride, sustain the ache of numerous separations while remaining true, beat soundly even when it feels too tired to do so, be large enough to say ‘I understand’ when it doesn’t, and say ‘I love you’, regardless.

“Lord,” said the angel, gently touching His sleeve. “Go to bed. You can finish it tomorrow.”

“I can’t,” said the Lord. “I’m so close to creating something quite unique. Already it can heal itself when sick, on a moment’s notice it will willingly embrace and feed total strangers who have been stranded during a PCS move, and it can wave goodbye to its husband, understanding why he had to leave.”

The angel circled the model of the military wife very slowly. “It’s too soft,” she sighed.

“But tough,” the Lord said excitedly. “You cannot imagine what this being can do or endure.”

“Can it think?” asked the angel.

“Can it think?! It can convert 1400 to 2 p.m.,” replied the Lord.

Finally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek. “There’s a leak,” she said. “I told you that you were trying to put too much into this model.”

“It’s not a leak,” said the Lord. “It’s a tear.”

“What’s it for?” asked the angel.

“It’s for joy, sadness, pain, loneliness and pride.”

“You’re a genius,” said the angel.

Looking at her somberly, the Lord replied, “I didn’t put it there.”

    

     I was searching the 'net when I stumbled upon this little message, and it brought tears to my eyes. I try not to be sappy too much when it comes to being a Marine Wife, but this needed to be shared... because it is true on so many levels. When I first met Adam, I had NO idea what I was getting myself into. I wasn't raised a military brat, and while I supported our military, I never imagined I would marry into it. But, you can't help who you fall in love with. In fact, I tried to "dodge the bullet," if you will. When Adam and I first started dating, I had a lot of reservations that I did not hide from him, but he made it very clear that if I wasn't willing to give it a shot "I shouldn't waste his time." I liked his spunk, but I was still not so sure. One of the many reasons Adam and I work so well, is because we are open and talk about every little thing that is on our minds. I didn't know much then, but I knew what a deployment was and meant... so I thought. When your spouse deploys, you go from lonely to worrying to proud... to sad then to happy all in a matter of minutes. You're constantly lonely but your proud of your husband. You're sad because you miss them, then your phone rings and you never knew so much joy could come from something so silly as a phone call. When Adam was deployed, it was e-mail notifications because he could rarely call. Independence is an absolute must. Even when Adam is on domestic soil, at least 50% of our relationship is spent a part. When people say, because the always will, "I don't know how you do it?" my reply is always the same... "Because I love him, wouldn't you do it for your husband?" That usually causes an awkward silence, because in all honesty, most of them couldn't. There are many wives who try and can't do it, but there are still the many who do. Faithfully, always proud and supportive. Are there days where I doubt myself? Absolutely. But one thing I never doubt is the love I have for my man in uniform. Now that we have Connor, I've taken on a whole new responsibility, a part from wife duties. I am Mom and Dad 5 days a week. Adam goes to work before Connor wakes up and gets home after Connor goes to sleep at night. Some days I'm not sure I'm doing a good enough job, but when Connor gets excited to see me, or crawls up and plants a big kiss on my cheek, I know I'm doing just fine... Especially when he gives his daddy kisses. I am not looking forward to deployment with a child, but again, strength comes from within, and I guess when God made us "military wives," he planted a lot of that so-called strength in us. I'm not sure where some of it comes from, but I'm thankful for my trust in God, my loving relationship with my husband, and the tremendous support from other military wives, friends, and family.

I'm cheating on my bGs..

         but I'm showing them lots of love today by stripping them for the first time since I've had them. Oh,and if you are wondering, "wth are bGs?," they are bumGenius 4.0 cloth diapers. Yesterday, my bff called me, and she was telling me about how she was at lunch with her fabulous midwife who delivered my sweet God-daughter. Her midwife uses cloth diapers too, and she uses Blueberry cloth diapers that are apparently adorbs and have great designs. blah blah, who cares, I love my bGs. Welllll, I got off the phone, hopped on the computer, and of course googled to see what these so called blueberry diapers were all about. Uhm.., they are all about awesome... looking. And could it be... but they're pocket diapers. And got great reviews. I HAD to order the monkey diaper. Look...

Doesn't that have "Connor" written all over it?? But, I will decide how I really feel about these Blueberries after I put it on Con's booty. If it proves worthy, I will definitely be ordering some more cute designs. That is the ONLY negative thing I have to say about the bGs... not enough design. They have some cute ones, but they are girly (IMO).
    Okay, for all you bG owners, today I stripped my diapers for the first time. 7 at a time (I have 21). I noticed that they haven't been absorbing as well... and this morning Adam came struttin' into our bedroom, Connor in tote, proclaiming that Connor's butt smelled like bad seafood. (Granted, he had been in the same diaper for about 8 hours and did drop a load, but I decided it was time to strip them.) We've had them for 6 months, and I didn't show them enough love in the begging, so I'd say we did pretty good! They are MUCH better! Oh, and they have been drying in the sun today too. Stains are a bad look for the bGs. As for stripping them, toss your clean diapers in the wash, throw in a tbsp of dish soap (blue dawn) and 3/4 cup of bleach and wash on HOT. Then, do an extra HOT wash with no detergent or anything. A little time consuming but well worth it if you need to "fix" your diapers. Hopefully they will be good for a while. I didn't really know how to care for my diapers in the beginning, so I'm positive that detergent buildup was a huge factor in the stench and absorbancy. Well, Connor woke up again.. naps are killin me! Happy Humpday!

Lonesome in the Lonestar state

      It's 8:30 p.m., and Adam's been working for over 12 hours.. again. Loneliness becomes the 'norm' with Military families. I've been through the long distance relationship, the work ups, field ops, and deployment, but this... recruiting duty... whole different ball game. We are approaching the one year mark... two more to go. There are no weekends off, and yeah, the long days in the fleet are tough but don't compare. I miss my husband. Even though he comes home at night, I miss him! I am writing on here because I am not a fan of complaining, and I REALLY try hard not to complain to him. But sometimes it feels good to vent. He has a hard enough time with work. The very last thing he needs is for his wife to add stress to his already heavy workload. I keep busy (Connor keeps me busy!), but some days I just have a hard time. Before we came on Recruiting Duty, people kept telling us that it would be the ultimate test in our marriage. I can see that. I am extremely proud to say that while we've had some wobbly days, we are doing great. I hope and pray to God every night to help me be a good wife. I want Adam to look forward to coming home and know that I'll always be here for him to come home to. I know he has a hard time because he misses us too. Some nights he begs me to wake up Connor so he can play with him. I always say, "go for it, but he's all yours!" He quickly changes his mind... Friday night, we are going on a date night! Movie and dinner... we haven't done that in months. Another issue we have is that we don't have family here, and it's hard to find people to help with Connor so that we can have a night out with just the 2 of us. Friday night, one of the guys who works with Adam and his wife are going to come over and watch Connor for us. We need it so bad, and I miss being with him in that way. I'm really looking forward to it!! Now, I just hope he doesn't have to work late.. I am so proud to be a Marine wife, and I support my husband 150%. But.. It can get pretty lonely. Here's to all you military wives and our lonely nights. We only get stronger through this..

breathe in... breathe out

 Breathe In...
       SAHMs vs. Working mothers. It is an age-old argument that never gets settled. I, myself, am lucky to be a stay at home momma. My husband is an amazing man and father who works really hard so that I can stay home. I think working mothers are wonderful too. It's a personal choice. Simple as that.
      For a little bit of background, I didn't always aspire to be a stay at home mom, and I don't always plan on staying home. Let's see... I met my Marine husband when I was a JUNIOR in college. Major selected and almost accomplished. In fact, I transferred from James Madison University to Virginia Commonwealth University to enter a better Criminal Justice program. I actually met my husband the summer before I started my first semester at VCU. I thought I would graduate and start my career. I actually believed that even after Adam and I were married and living in NC. The funny thing about the military is that you have no say in your life events. Well, you have some say ;) but you cannot control where you go! After I moved to NC, I started my journey to become an Alcohol Law Enforcement Agent. (yay, right!?) The exact day I was driving to VA to get my documents ready, Adam called to inform me that he had been flagged for recruiting. RECRUITING DUTY.. What The F***. This meant that we would be moving.. ANYWHERE in the country. So much for that idea! So, I got a job at GNC and worked there until we moved. I didn't want to be a stay at home wife. Well, with the fact that we would be moving around... a lot, and the fact that we did want children, we decided I would stay at home for a while. It was very hard for me to face the reality that it might be a while before I can really jump start my career, but once I came to terms with that, I have been happy ever since! I want to be home with my children, and Adam is okay with that. His job is very demanding, meaning his days are usually about 15 hours long, and he works at least 6 days a week.
      What I'm getting at here, is that I have my Bachelor's Degree, but my husband and I choose to have me stay home. I love it. I get up with my child in the morning, I put him down for naps during the day and bedtime every night. I get to teach him new things, and I'm there watching him grow and learn. No, my husband doesn't make a million, but we don't "want." We have made sacrifices, but they are sacrifices we are willing to make over and over again so that we can live this life, and so that I can be here at home with my child every day. I read a comment that one naive woman made about how "it pisses her off when stay at home moms are lazy, don't clean all day, and don't have warm delicious meals made for their husbands at night." Let me just clarify a few things... first of all, when you drop your child off at daycare or the babysitter, do you expect them to clean all day or tend to your child? Now, don't get me wrong, my house is clean and I do constantly pick up and clean, but my main concern is my child. If I don't get around to the huge mounds of laundry staring me in the face, but my child is giggling and happy, I feel like I have accomplished all I've wanted to accomplish that day. There are some days when I can get a lot done around the house, but there are other days when Connor really wants my attention, and you can bet your bottom dollar that he comes first. Always. I know I'm lucky, because my husband never comes home and complains that the floors are sticky, there's baby vomit in my hair, or his white teeshirts and underwear haven't been cleaned in days. He smiles and gives Me, Connor, and even Lilly (our dog) smooches. The warm dinner deal, okay, I try. Like I said earlier though, my husband works long days, and most of the time he eats late lunches. And IF he even eats what I make, it has long been cold by the time he gets to it. Again, he doesn't complain. Just because a stay at home mom's house isn't designer beautiful and merry maid clean doesn't mean she's lazy. It simply means she is busy. Doing what? Taking care of her child. If you work, that's awesome too. If I could find a job that would be "worth" it and I didn't live the military lifestyle with my husband gone a lot and us always moving, then I would probably work too. I really applaud working mothers, and I know they miss their babies when at work. Like I said, I feel lucky because I get to do what I want to do. As long as you are doing what you want, and you, your child and family are happy, then you are doing the right thing.
Breathe out...