Facing reality..

      It has been 7 weeks since Connor joined this world, and while I posted the birth story and have raved about being a mother, I have failed to express how I felt about his birth. Obviously, I had a C-section, and while I may sound selfish in this post, these are the emotions I had to deal with. I HATED the C-section. It was not what I had "planned," and I was so miserable for weeks afterward. I envisioned a completely different experience. After all, I was there for my best friend's labor and delivery, and while I know she was in a lot of pain, it was so incredible. I wanted that. I wanted the contractions, pain, water breaking, and I wanted to push my baby out the way that God intended. My body failed me, and it failed Connor. I think I finally worked up the nerve to post my true feelings because I have been hearing some horror stories lately, and I realized that Connor is here, he's safe, and I'm safe. However, I am going to admit that I envy women who get to have "normal" vaginal births. I'm finally starting to get over the feelings of failure because when I look at Connor I realize that God answered my prayers and got him here safe. Here is something I found on someone else's site, and I think it sums it up for me:

"It is the only scar whose creation saved two lives instead of one, and they are the physical sign of a mother's willingness to do anything for her children."

I may not have had the perfect labor experience, but I have a perfect bundle of love and life. Maybe I didn't get a "normal" experience, but when do I ever do anything "normal" anyway? I have been formula feeding Connor because of his stomach issues, and he's a happier baby these days. Did I want to do that?... No. But I realize that everything I do is for him and his best interest. Maybe I don't like it, but it's not about me. It's about him.. from birth until forever. So for all you mommies out there, whether you have a C-section or a Vaginal delivery, or you breastfeed or bottle feed, you are still very much a woman. We carried our babies for 9 months (maybe more, maybe less), but we bonded the same and no matter how they come out, the love you feel for your child will be the same. I can't imagine my life without Connor in it. Here's to being a mommy! :)

6 weeks old

 

   6 weeks old!!! Where does the time go? I feel like I had Connor yesterday, and he's already been here 6 weeks. Well, last night we tried the crib and Connor did great!! I put him in the crib around 8, and fed him at 10 when Adam got home for work (yeah, he works 15 hr days most of the time). So, he went down for the night around 8, woke up to eat at 10, 2, and 5. He slept in it after each feeding until 5, when he got fussy. He usually gets fussy around 5 a.m after he eats, so he went in the bed with me until 8. But, I did better than I expected. I've been preparing myself for it over the past few weeks, so think it was easier. As for his reflux... it's still much much better. However, he keeps going 2,3, even 4 days without pooping. It freaks me out, and then he'll poop enough for those past few days he hadn't pooped! I read that it is pretty normal and when I brought it up to the DR a couple weeks ago, she acted like it was no big deal. But, he has really, really bad gas still. I'm still breastfeeding, so it's really hard on me when I feel like all I do is hurt my baby's tummy. SO, today I bought formula. Similac's sensitivity formula. I'm just going to give him some over the next couple of days and pump while I give him the formula to see if it helps at all. I want to breastfeed him until he's a year old, but if he is in agony then why would I put him through that?? I know his stomach is more sensitive than most babies since he was preterm, but I still can't help but feel like I'm failing him somehow. I've learned that I need to stop comparing my baby and my parenting with other peoples' though. I just have to do what is best for him and for me. When he's crying because he has gas, it stresses me out too. I finally stopped using the nipple shield too! Nursing has become really easy and convenient for me. I am going to try the formula and see how it affects him. If it makes him feel a lot better then so be it, but if it doesn't then I know it isn't me. I cut out all dairy, and I've been watching what I eat, but no such luck! The reflux makes him spit up a lot too, but I am trying the Dr. Brown's bottle out to see if it helps with that. I will update next week with all of it. He's way better than he was a few weeks ago, but still a little cranky. Let's see if we can kick the crankiness! We tried Connor in the pool Saturday! He hated it, but I woke him up for it, so of course he was like "what the hell, mom?!" haha Here are some pics!

 

As for me... I'm still about 3 lbs away from pre-pregnancy weight! The last 5 lbs are killing me, but I've started walking my booty off, so that should help too! Nursing really helped knock off the pounds, but once I'm to my pre-pregnancy weight, I want to lose 10-15 more pounds. Bleh.

5 weeks old

 

 5 weeks old! Unbelievable.. It's June! Where did May go?! Well, the Zantac seems to be helping tremendously with Connor's Acid Reflux! I'm pretty sure it started working the day we put him on it. I've been propping him up and never, ever laying him flat, and it's helped so much. He's still spitting up, but that's to be expected. Monday night was rough.. I'm assuming he had gas and he was up ALL night, and he was cranky Tuesday too. It was exhausting, but last night he slept good and he's a lot better today. Back to his happy self =) All I can say is that if you feel like something may be wrong with your baby, it probably is. I know babies cry, but not that much.. I shouldn't be wanting to pull my hair out every single day. Also, because of his reflux, I have to feed him less milk, but more often. If I wait too long to feed him, and he's screaming, by the time I whip a boob out (sorry for the bluntness of that), he will spit half of it back up. Lauren and Delaney got here last friday and stayed until monday. It was SO hard telling them bye, but it was such a great visit! I miss them sooo much. Delaney is so big! I can't wait to see them and everyone in VA in July!

I have a 1 month old!!

Okay, seriously, where did the time go?? Connor is a whopping 8 lbs 4 oz! He gained 1 lb in 2 weeks:)

 

    Connor will be 1 month old tomorrow and he had his doctors appointment today, and thank goodness for it. The past week has been really rough for us. Poor baby has been spitting up and crying constantly after every feeding. I thought it was gas, so I started giving him some gas drops and they worked some, but not really. So, I started watching him and he would arch his back after I would feed him, and he would scream if I laid him on his back. Yesterday he started gagging and he's been coughing a lot. The doctor thinks it is reflux, so she put him on some medicine. God, I hope this helps. I have been so exhausted from his screaming. Saturday, Adam and I went to Olive garden and I had 2 drinks, so I pumped and dumped, but even then I could hardly enjoy myself b/c he was just so fussy. I thought maybe he wasn't getting enough milk, so I gave him some formula, then he didn't poop for 2 days!! But I really don't think that is what it is. The stress probably didn't help my milk supply, but it's getting better. Today after the doctor, I haven't laid him flat on his back at all, and he's been so much better. Still fussy, but not nearly as bad. I just felt like a failure.. I thought it was something I was eating or doing. It's the worst feeling when you feel like you are doing something wrong, but can't help your baby when there is clearly something wrong. Buttt, let's hope this medicine works and Connor is much happier. Poor baby is getting that baby acne too. I hate it for him, and I hope that goes away soon too. My postpartum hormones have been worse than pregnancy, as far as my emotions go. They are getting better too, but I tell you what, they were out of control for a while. I feel like I can finally take a breath with Connor. Right now he is propped up in his swing, and he's awake and quiet. Honestly, for the past week, every time he's been awake, he's been crying. Lauren and Delaney come Friday to visit for the weekend!! I am SO ready for a girlfriend here,and someone I can relate to!

Never grow up..

   This song makes me cry and laugh at myself all at the same time. Connor is 3 weeks old today, and still wouldn't be due for another 10 days. Here's Mr. Handsome laughing today...

I seriously can't believe it's been 3 weeks already. I know time is going to fly, and I hate that, but I love every day I have with my baby boy. Connor is doing awesome. He's been eating great, and breastfeeding is going well. It is tough sometimes to try and pump and keep up with him, and it's hard when I want to go out and run errands, but it's worth it. I love it, and I don't want to use formula if I don't need it! Connor has still been sleeping in our room... I'm slowly trying to put him in his crib, but I'm having a hard time with it. You know, it's funny how your perspective of things change when you become a mommy. I never thought it would be difficult to put my child across the hallway, but it is ridiculously heartbreaking for me! Sunday night we tried it for a little while, and I was in tears. Crazy Mom, I know, but I think it's hard to understand unless you are in the same shoes. Adam made a comment about how I haven't let Connor out of my sight since I had him.. well except those few days after he was born, and maybe that's why I'm a little overbearing when it comes to him. I can't help myself. These past few days I have discovered that I can pump plenty of milk in the mornings to get me through that night! Connor usually wakes up every 4 hours at night and will drink a 2 oz bottle and breastfeed for 15-30 minutes. Then, during the day I strictly breastfeed, unless I have to go somewhere.. but even then, I work around his feeding schedule. I think I'm getting it under control and figuring it all out. Lately, Connor has been sleeping in the bed with us. Yeah, I know, that's bad, but it's how we both get sleep!! I'm workin' on it. ;) I had my doctors appointment today, and I've lost about 40 lbs! I only have 5 lbs to go until I"m at pre-pregnancy weight! Next Friday Lauren and Delaney are coming to visit us!!! We are so excited :) :) I haven't seen Delaney since she was 2 weeks old :( She's so beautiful and big! Can't wait to get my hands on both of them.

2 weeks & My first Mother's Day

    I could post way more pictures.. I take atleast 10 every day. haha.. I can't help it! But these are pictures from the hospital taken last Thursday when Connor was discharged!!! Today Connor is 2 weeks old! I LOVE every single second of mommy hood. The hospital helped get Connor on a schedule, eating every 3 hours, and it's been wonderful.. however, he must be growing though b/c he woke up last night about every 2 hours!! Talk about exhausting since I'm breastfeeding, but it's okay. I would wake up every 30 minutes if I had to. I haven't been too sleep deprived. Saturday night Connor had a tummy ache and that was awful, but Adam helped me. I had pumped milk in the fridge so Adam fed him while I got some sleep around 2 a.m. Mother's Day was wonderful. Connor (Adam) got me a gorgeous diamond heart necklace. I love it! Connor's birthstone is a diamond ;) I knew God delivered him early for a reason! (jussst kidding!) We got up and went to church, and it was amazing! The churches here are like church on steroids, I swear. Francesca Battistelli was at church and sang a few songs. The one that reallly hit home was "Angel by your side." I'm going to post it at the end, but it was amazing and brought me to tears. The message from the pastor about brought Adam and I both to tears.. I could just tell that God was talking to us through this message, and Adam even said he wants to go back! This is huge, people :) I think our experience helped bring us both closer to God. After church we just came home and I got to hang out with my gorgeous husband and son. I love my family. We went on a walk later, and then Adam went and got us some wine. I drank half a glass and wasn't interested at all. Being a mom comes first! Connor's Doctor's appt is tomorrow, so I will finish this update then :)

Update!
   At Connor's appointment today, he weighed 7 lbs. 4 oz!! He left the hospital Thursday weighing 6 lbs 9 oz! It's that magical breast milk =) They had to give him a prick on his foot. He screamed, I cried, and Adam was laughing. I hate to see my baby hurting, but I quickly picked him up and held him close, and he stopped crying. I am so in love with my sweet child.

Happy 1 week precious baby boy!

        Happy 1 week birthday Con-butt :)  I can't believe it's been a week... And one hell of a week it has been! Last friday, I finally left the ICU and was admitted to postpartum, near Connor, to recover. I have made some major steps in my recovery and so has my little handsome man. Friday when I got down to the postpartum floor, I was exhausted, but HAD to see my baby, so I was wheeled into the NICU, and I cried and cried and cried. I felt so helpless b/c he was in an incubator, and I couldn't hold him. Well, it made me extremely determined, and now, it's Wednesday and I'm walking and breastfeeding around the clock! 2 am, 5 am, 8 am, 11 am, 2 pm, 5pm, 8 pm, 11 pm and so on... To my surprise, Connor didn't have much trouble latching, and he hasn't really had any nipple confusion a all. :) I was really worried, especially because I couldn't be there for him in his first few days of life. Now, you'd have to pry me away from the NICU and pry him out of my arms. I was discharged Friday, but the hospital is letting me stay as a "camper" since I am full-time breastfeeding and he can't go home until this Friday. I won't leave the hospital without him. I've only left 1 time to go home and see the puppies, and I was not happy about it.. I was actually quite grumpy. lol. Connor is perfect in every single way& I have the perfect little family. Adam is so in love with him, and I love watching them together. Connor lost 6 ounces, but as of today he's already gained an ounce back.. thanks to mommy juice! We have had a few "off" feedings, but the lactation consultant came in today and helped me a little. Honestly, it's hard to be on this schedule, especially when we can't go off it and sometimes he just isn't hungry. I feel like I'm being timed & it's frustrating for both of us. Yesterday, we had to do a carseat test? Connor literally sat in his carseat for an hour and a half while they checked his vitals... he passed. lol. I think that's weird. Tomorrow my poor baby is getting circumsised, on Thursday he gets to be in the room with me, and then we leave friday!!! YAY! I am thankful for everyone at this hospital, but gt me out of here! I am recovering well.. I've slowed down on the pain medication b/c I don't want it to affect connor (eventhough the docs say it won't hurt him). I feel drowsy all the time, and I hate that. I tell you what, anyone who gets an elective c-section is crazy! It HURTS like HELL... and that could be in part to the fact that I laid in bed for 3 days after with a catheter still in since I was so ill.. but, Ouchie. Connor has inspired me to get better as fast as possible, and on friday we will both leave the hospital in great condition. I absolutely LOVE being a mommy!!!